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High Fructose Corn Syrup is everywhere right, in your face everywhere.* It’s evil and is killing the western world off with obesity, diabetes, heart failure…it’s the best sugar substitute ever since sugar…it’s an alien technology that’s going to cause the first (and really, probably last) zombie apocalypse. Okay that was a joke, or it was until I ran across this study done on aspergillus.
Wait, aspergillus, the fungi that kills the immune deficient, the old and the young with brutal disregard to the immune deficient, old people and little kids? Yes, turns out there are over 100 types of aspergillus, the one your thinking of is aspergillus fumigatus.

                    (this wants to eat your sick, elderly children.)

There is one strain in particular that most of you have probably never heard of but, it’s heard of you. In fact it’s been getting down and dirty with your body for about half a century now.  A. oryzae, this little sucker is the magical ingredient with enzymatic super powers that turns corn starch glucose into the F in HFCS. It’s a domestication of A. flavus another aspergillus member who makes people so sick they die from it.

                    (I don’t want to eat dinner with this family.)

Hold on, it’s okay The Food Industry at large has deemed this GRAS – Generally Regarded As Safe…generally? As in most of yet not all of the time? Thanks, I feel better now sure…NO! Absolutely NOT. I am in no way reassured.
More research led me here where I discovered that A. Oryzae actually produces not only 1 but 5 separate toxins that want to make you dead if they intubate it longer then 3 days.

          (it’s what gives the bubbles in soda that extra tickle for your nose.)

 Even WHO recognizes it’s hazards but, big brother wants you dead too so they still said it’s cool.

    (WHOs’ logo is actually really boring so instead you get a picture of a more recent Dr. Who.)

Now, how can I be sure all of this will lead to the Zombie apocalypse? I’m not but, I do have a series of fact sound theoriesmildly convincing though highly constructed suggestions…just keep reading.
Lets start with what we know. A. oryzae has 8 chromosomes and 37 million base pairs. That’s a lot of ways mutation can tweak it to be even less good for you. A. oryzae is a domestication i.e. people tampered with nature…

                            (when is this ever a good thing?)

 …and lets not forget that cornsyrup was perfected with this A. oryzae, a.k.a. “Koji,” by the Japanese who don’t have a good laboratory record according to late night programing. Let me also warn you that A. oryzae is proven to evolve with randomly breaking sequences in it’s chromosomes, we can’t predict them but, it’s not random to the fungus, testing in the chromosomes tells us, scientist who actually know what they are talking about, that A. oryzae rapid growth and structural change is not due to evolutionary error. It’s morphing as fast as it can on purpose.
Lets review shall we?
1) A complicated but small and hard to detect organism that is poisonous times 5 over when left in the wrong hands has been studying your genetics from the inside for decades.
2) It’s natural asexual evolution from generation to generation is a scientifically unexplainable agenda.
3) It was perfected in a laboratory.
 Any one who has a friend who’s uncles cousins neighbor owned a tv for 5 seconds can tell you none of those thing on their own let alone all three is good for the survival of the human race and if that isn’t enough to convince you take a look at exhibit A.

Yeah, that is a plushy of A. oryzae and it exist because the Japanese have turned it into a manga character.            
Doom awaits us all and if I were you I would start stocking up on ammo yesterday.

Still, you could say we’re all doing it one step better then way back in the day, you know, when HFCS was made by mixing corn starch with hydrochloric acid and then boiling it under pressure.

                                 (Yeah! Mom’s making pancakes!)

*The above article is work of satirical semi-fiction where all relevant facts have been misinterpreted, construed and in general twisted so as to be unreliably false.

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One Comment

  1. Too funny! Since I was a technical editor for many years of scientific journals, I knew that it wasn't true. I have to agree that I think it could be the zombie apocalypse!


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