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I was standing in line at Starbucks just the other day. While waiting to pay exorbitant amounts of money for 12oz of coffee I could easily replicate in my own home I glanced upon their Valentine’s day display. “Gifts for under $20” the sign said while an abundance of plastic wrapped corn syrup based treats lay beneath it. Some of the treats were arranged in little boxes and I thought that the re-use of the cardboard boxes was nice (the general theme of the display, rustic chique.)
   As the line of customers shuffled closer to the register I noticed that these little boxed had patterns printed on them. The cardboard boxes had been shipped to the store inside another cardboard box for the purpose of pushing unhealthy food wrapped in the most Eco-disaterous material ever mass produced. It was then, for the first time in at least 4 hours, that I realized we have failed as a species.
    Let me just say that as a christian I try to make a point to daily love man-kind. That said, we deserve to die a horrible global warming based death down to the last child. When the cognitive super race of polar bears of the future dig up our remains and put them in their polar bear museums we deserve to have them looked upon in scorn as “The ones that ruined everything.” It’ll be carved into a brass plate and mounted next to the artist sketches of what we must have looked like with our gooey bits and skin still on, which won’t be very accurate since polar bears don’t have thumbs and the various scientific societies won’t be able to agree on on how fat we are really suppose to be since the amount of fatty mc’fatties they find will never add up with their test on how our spines are suppose to work.
    Trust me on this too, there will be polar bear museums, complete with gift shops that sell little plastic people, (100% recycled plastic, because we’ve manufactured enough to sustain every theoretical society of the future, they’ll just have to dig it up, like coal; only they won’t know it’s like coal because we’ll have used all of that up already.) There will also be glow in the dark posters of hummers for brave little polar bear boys to hang up in their caves which they will be very proud of during the day when all their polar bear buddies are over, but secretly scared of at night when it gives him nightmares about “smog” and “foreign oil market races” and other such terrors from history.
    A frightening pantomime of the Jurassic ridden T-Rex posters of our day.
At least that’s a disaster I’m prepared for. I personally have memorized a survival strategy for the return of every carnivorous dinosaur discovered to date. I will survive the Velociraptor Regime.

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One Comment

  1. Good for you. And as a p.s. I am already missing Starbucks… sick isn't it?


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