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Meet Cobalt, our 3 year old German Shepherd. She is a deer…

…no that is not a typo. Not to imply that she isn’t sweet and affectionate, she just also happens to be a leggy, chronically anxious, doe eyed car hazard. Most people have assumptions about certain breeds, so I thought I would give you a glimpse into the brain mush of this particularly fine example of breed misconception. Enjoy.

Me: “Being a house pet has advantages and disadvantages I suppose for you, as a member of a once feral species, tell about your life.”

Cobalt: “I was born in a barn next to a pile of horse crap. I like to eat fleece and sometimes on the way to the dog park I feel compelled to leap into the driver’s seat. It seems like the safest play to be. I’m not sure what ‘feral’ means, but when the cat  is mean to me I try to hide under the couch…is that feral?”

Me: “Yes, you’re not really that cat’s favorite, but at less than 1/10 your weight and size you realize your face is bigger than her entire body, right?”

Cobalt: “Sometimes she jumps on my back from the kitchen table and growls while biting me on the ass. I’m not fond of this, so I wet myself and let her eat out of my food dish to placate her. I think she is some sort of demigod… please, please don’t let her eat me while I sleep, I’ll be good…”

Me: “Okay…let’s try a less traumatic subject. Your breed of dog is known for its work oriented character and in fact thousands of you are employed in police, border security and military capacities. As a member of this elite group what do you like to spend your time doing?”

Cobalt: “I really enjoy chasing bubbles. In fact I once knocked over the small person living in my house while attempting to eat them. He made loud wailing sounds that made me piss all over myself. I hid under the porch until he stopped. Even the demon cat flees at the sound so I think the small person is also a demigod, but it is not very good at catching bubbles. I am, aren’t I? Am I good, I try hard to be good, do you think I am? I am aren’t I? Please, please say yes.”

Me: Sigh. “What other duties do you assume around the house, other than being a fearful, child hazard.”

Cobalt: “I like to eat cat poop, and marshmallows. I will do anything for a marshmallow, except not eat cat poop.”

Me: “It sounds like you have a lot to keep you busy. Is there anything else you spend your time eating?”

Cobalt: “Not really. I’m not a fan of dry dog food, or the mush that comes out of the can. Sometimes the humans spread the can food on the dry food to make me eat it, but I let it sit until flies start hatching babies on it. If I must eat dry food I prefer to have the human make me soup.”

Me: “Soup?”

Cobalt: “Yes, I simply do not eat until the human puts left overs in a pot and makes a broth-y soup to pour over my dry food to make it taste like people food.”

Me: “Then you eat the dry food?”

Cobalt: “No, no-no, then I suck on each piece of kibble to get the soup off and spit the kibble onto the floor when I’m done with it. I do this over and over until all the hundreds of pieces of kibble are on the floor outside my bowl and the soup is gone.”

Me: “That sounds like a very complex mode of eating and in fact not very nutritious. I see that you are in fact, very lean.”

Cobalt: ” My doctor assures me I’m in excellent health, so I have no reason to change my eating habits. I do believe however that my habit of trotting every where I go in combination with my prominent rib cage is somehow connected to my nick name ‘coyote dog’. I don’t know what a coyote is, but I’m fairly certain I would pee all over myself and hide behind the god-cat if one came to the house.”

Me: “Right, so I’m sensing that there may have been some product fraud when your owners bought you. You seemed well behaved but, don’t you agree there is a certain ‘ideal’ behind the name German Shepherd that you aren’t quite living up to?”

Cobalt: “That depends. I spent the two-hour car ride from my birth place to my owners home crying, shaking and trying to burrow under a towel while on one of their laps. That seems like full disclosure to me.”

Me: “I suppose I have no argument for that. Any closing comments?”

Cobalt: “Is it safe to leave? I don’t know where god-cat is.”

 

 

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3 Comments

  1. Funny! Cedar just smoked Kaide yesterday trying to get a bubble (gave her a bloody nose), and I fed him a marshmallow this morning. The comparisons between our dogs stop there. My dog is a psycho brute who is afraid of nothing, eats like a horse, and is OCD about working (which for him is retrieving). You should interview your cat next!

  2. Is this going to be a series? I’d like to hear more from Cobalt. And god-cat. 🙂


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